While staying at a beautiful Bed and Breakfast on the coast of Baja, Mexico I was awakened to iterative sounds of the waves crashing. I could also hear a rooster making its morning crows. I woke up realizing I had a dream about drugs. This is not normal, but makes perfect sense to me. I think that my dreams can often be a good indicator of where I am at. Usually, a dream that I wake up remembering must have affected my subconscious in a meaningful way.
I have spent a lot of time here in Baja over the years. It is an hour away from my old home in Orange County and a nice escape from the busy southern California lifestyle. This is the first time in decades I came down to Baja and not used drugs or alcohol. You might find it surprising that I am down here at all. I am too. I found myself running to Baja for some reason. Some things never change.
It started when I wanted to get a break from work. I needed to find clarity for my future. I thought I would find some peace visiting family and friends back in Orange County. To be honest, I think I really missed the beach and weather more than anything. While I stayed with my family I started noticing many different things that began to affect me spiritually. These can be small things like staying with someone who has the television on constantly. It can be the seemingly small negative outlooks and comments from family members. None of these things were directed at me, but I have have changed so much I no longer think like most. It can be any number of very subtle things, but all these things matter and I am so far removed from so many of these things that I really notice them when I am exposed to them. I began to get a fleeting sense to leave and stay somewhere else. I didn’t know where I was going. I started to make my way to South.
This fleeting sense was somewhat familiar. For over a decade, I often used Baja as an escape because things that are illegal in the United States are readily available in the Red Light Districts. Getting arrested has never been an issue down there and bribes can go a long way. I was always fearful of being arrested using drugs back in the US. So Mexico was my answer to readily available black market goods and freedom from the fear of arrest. In short order, I had my bags packed and left the family member’s house I was staying with.
I feel like there was an obligation to come. I had to find serenity, I had to find myself and I had to prove that I have changed. I am on a journey to help others and this is part of my way of proving that you can rewrite or reprogram you brain to create new ways of thinking. I think addictions are a hard problem to fix and if I can cure my addictions I have faith that any hang up can be fixed as well.
The first stop was Tijuana and I followed my usual path and took a walk down the same sidewalks I navigated when I came down here to use. I walked by several places I would use in and will go so far to say that there were several shooting galleries that addicts would frequent. I was asked by several pushers if I needed anything on at least a dozen occasions. I was able to connect with one dealer and told him a little about my story and he said “If you want to get dirty, you know where to come.” I simply laughed and went to my next spot.
What I find so interesting is that I had money, I had the dope connection, I had the time and I had the freedom to do whatever the hell I wanted. I was alone on vacation and nobody to answer to and could be completely hidden from anyone knowing that I was using. The desire was just not there no matter how hard I tried to force it to be there. I feel like I had these memories or triggers that are literally reprocessed in my brain. I have developed new neuropathways in my brain. I feel like my brain has been reprogrammed into creating my future not destroying it. I was running away, I had the opportunity, I had the means, but I have a desire to create and to serve others. I want you to know how powerful this is, that you can change and that you can change your life to live truly and experience a life of abundance.
After realizing I had a drug dream it became apparent why. I had been asked by the pushers down here dozens of times, every day. I understood why I had the dream. What is interesting about the dream is that I had a dream about finding drugs in my rental car and throwing them away. I had my drug of choice and the paraphernalia to use it. I threw it away in my dream. Before my transformation I could not come down to Mexico at all and I most certainly would not throw it away.